My wife thinks I am fat and it is causing problems in our marriage. What should I do?

My wife thinks I am fat and it is causing problems in our marriage. What should I do? 

Hearing your spouse tell you that you are fat can really hurt - for a lot of different reasons. I lived through it - and am still working on it. In fact its a huge reason why I started Healthy Dad Days. Before you bail because you think that this dude was just guilt tripped into losing weight - take an extra minute to help yourself here and read on.

This still isn't an easy topic to talk or write about, but it is an important topic. As I write this (Jan 2022) I'm still overweight, but I have lost 30 pounds in the last 6 months and I'm having a blast getting back into weight lifting. Enough about me for now though - if you found this page and are still reading then you are probably in pain. Somehow you managed to filter through all of the other search results on Google that are all about what women should do when their husbands call them fat.

Here is the short version of where you might be, because its what a lot of other Dad's like me have shared with me: 

  • I don't really want to be fat - except for those brief moments during hard conversations where I said I'm OK being fat just to avoid the conversation.
  • I eat to feel better about things - and sometimes I hide that from others.
  • I'm really good at letting the stories in my head take over instead of defining things for myself.

How do I get better at being honest with myself and with my wife? 

At this point in my journey I think this is the key. Am I being honest with myself? Am I really being who I want to be? Am I really doing the things I need to do to be who I want to be? 

My darkest place was when I said out loud, "maybe I am OK with being the fat guy." I said it during a really hard conversation with my wife where I was willing to do or say anything to stop having the hard conversations. I just wanted to bail. This slippery slope of avoidance even took me one step further in my own mind - "maybe this is the end of my marriage - what is that going to be like?". You are not a bad person if you have had these thoughts - you are just in a ton of pain and you don't know what to do.

Start by being honest. And let me tell you how, because if you were like me you were probably lost.

What I thought honest meant when talking to my wife: 

"You are right, I'm going to go on a hard diet and workout program. I'll start it next week so I have a few days to make a plan." 

What being honest really sounds like to me now:

"Honey, I'm really hurting right now. I'm not sure I know what to do. I know you want to help me, and I'm grateful for that. I'm just not feeling very confident right now." 

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